Bespoke Philosophy for Discerning Little People
If you start to pick your nose And someone sees you try Roll it in a little ball And flick it in their eye.
If mummy tries to clean you And this invokes your wrath Simply just stay dirty By peeing in the bath.
If you’re after icecream Or sweets or cake or gin Simply ask ten thousand times Until your mum gives in.
Puppies love a cuddle And tickles on their tums But never let them lick your face ‘Cause puppies lick their bums.
ON GETTING MORE
To maximize your share of sweets Whenever they’re disbursed Smash and grab from other kids And swear they hit you first.
If you don’t like swimming lessons Make your mum unhappy By waiting till you’re in the pool And dumping in your nappy.
Manipulate your parents, Their love is unconditional Bribes buy good behavior -- Goodness is provisional.
ON PLANE TRAVEL
If allowed an aisle seat Wait a little while Until the trolleys bring the meals, Then run along the aisle.
But if you get a window seat, For peace on aisles, then spoilt it By asking thirty seven times To go and use the toilet.
Your power in the family Is nil, you’re just a brat. So lord it over household pets By torturing the cat.