HAPPY BIRTHDAY Liposuction, wrinkle cream, What’s the point of panic? You’re rearranging deck chairs Aboard the ship Titanic.
CONGRATULATIONS ON YOUR FACE LIFT Well done on your face lift How young you now appear Since Doctor P. Picasso Stitched your top lip to your ear.
THANK YOU FOR DINNER The loving that you gave me for dessert was just incredible. Proper compensation since your cooking was inedible.
VALENTINE Obsession with size, does it matter? Thinner, or longer or fatter? A girl’s only choice is the latter, And yes, it does bloody matter.
TO A BOSS On strategy and marketing You think you’re firm and ruthless, But all of us that work for you Just think you’re f*cking useless.
TO A BOSS AT CHRISTMAS At Christmas tease subordinates Invite them round en masse Hold mistletoe above your bum And make them kiss your ass.
HOLLMARK LOVE Will you be my Valentine? Where is that angel, Cupid? I guess if you don't fancy me, You must be gay or stupid.
AN ATKINS ANGEL Sexy slender Mary Praised the Atkins diet All the girls were quite impressed And said that they would try it. Mary's little secret Although she looked a dish, Was chronic constipation And breathe that smelled of fish.